it frustrates me, but lately i've been thinking too much about how i'm feeling, and the process is one of those circular cause-effect models that offers no escape. i feel dark and my optimism goes in hiding, and when i start to analyze the reasons behind the change, i only feel less and less alive--there's no reason, nothing i can pin this on--and thus, no quick fix, no solution.
i expect this darkness every winter, and for the few weeks that follow my visits home, but even though i try to brace myself for it, it's never enough--i always land here, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. i'm sure a part of me is predisposed to feel this way, just from the fact that the parentals are russian(ish)--"broodiness" is a trait often linked to our kind--and that dad has always been chronically (albeit secretly) depressed. but what about the argument for self-determination, the power of mind over matter? i just need something that will take the edge off the hopelessness, you know?
it's freezing outside and my gym membership is up, but i think i need to start running again, pronto. it's the only thing that has ever helped me, and i'm determined to get out of this mental shithole as quickly as possible.
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