procrastination..

dear anna, i feel your pain.
i have two essays i have to write, one that is due tomorrow and one that is due tuesday, and i have noooo motivation. also, i'm hungry and my roommate's daughter just turned the kitchen in a play restaurant (in which she is serving her mom and a friend), so i can't exactly barge in there and cook up some mashed potatoes to go with "chik'n" nuggets and cucumbers and tomatoes..
sigh.
today i went to church, and it was alright. this was my second time going since i met paul at the coffee shop, and i think eventually it will become a habit. i don't know, sometimes i have doubts and sometimes i have hope about the whole god thing, but this church is pretty good and i feel comfortable going even though i'm not much of a believer. i don't know.

i'm a little bit scared that i won't get a B in french, and that's like the lowest grade i can afford. i think the instructor hates me for some reason, and even though i'm meeting with her tomorrow to see how i can finish strong, i doubt she'll be very flexible. sigh..
i think the restaurant game is over, actually, so i'm going to go make some food and then get on with my homework. i can't wait until this term is over.
xoxo, j.

happy thanksgiving.

it was lovely, thanks to my friend Ali, who invited me over and basically served me the most enormous (and delicious!) vegan meal of my life. so, today i'm definitely thankful for my friends, who let me know that i'm not alone even when i'm feeling slightly shitty.
i'm also grateful for my family, as always. i just got off the phone with mommy, and just listening to her voice and her stories made me feel so warm and alive.
lastly, i'm grateful for everything that has led to where i am now--for the Art Institute awfulness, the gas station job, the financial aid mess, and all my car troubles--all these things shaped me into the kind of person that might trip when life starts detouring in the wrong direction, but not the kind of person that falls and gives up. so, thank you. i'm a lucky girl.
happy tofurky day, world. xoxo, j.

finals week &other such messes

with everything that has been going on for the week or so--school/work/family/money/god--i've fallen a little behind with my progress in classes. french especially, but also russian and women's studies, and i'm scrambling to get it all together so i can pull out with mostly A's and hopefully no more than two B's. otherwise, i lose my merit scholarship and i will be screwed--very, very Screwed.

also, portland just got its first snowfall last night, and i missed french this morning because i was waiting my turn at les schwab, hoping they would fix my flat tire before class started (they couldn't do either--by the time class was nearly over, they let me know my tire was not fixable, and i had to buy a new one). sigh. plus, most classes are canceled tomorrow and through the end of the week--which should be a relief, but it scares me because i won't have much time to meet with teachers and figure out a week to finish strong.

but, i guess i'll just have to suck it up. if i end up with a list of bad grades and lose the scholarship, i guess that's that. i'll pay for the lost $500 per term with loans, and i will move on. college is not the rest of my life. eventually, these things won't matter anymore.

anyway, i think i'm doing better. everything still seems upside-down and i feel like i'm swimming through my life. maybe not even swimming--more like fighting the current that seems to be taking me everything i don't want to go. but i can't dwell on this. i need to chin up and move forward.

there is no meaning.

and sometimes that's terribly disheartening.
perhaps it's the season, the earlier sunsets and later sunrises, the rain and mist and fog--but all i know is that i'm having a hard time convincing myself that there is a purpose to be found in breathing. i thought i would leave this "meaning of life" shit behind in high school, but apparently it follows you around.
it makes me want to smoke a pack of cigarettes and fill a sketch pad with drawings of happy people and old buildings. i don't know what's wrong with me.