i just got home from my astronomy class, where, on our last day of lecture, we talked about the theory of relativity and quantum physics and the string theory and how they all might relate to explain everything as big as our universe and as small as (or smaller than) the atoms which compose us.
and let me tell you, this lecture humbled me terrifically. i understood perhaps a fifth of what i heard, and what's terrifying--relieving, maybe?--is that i will probably never understand more.
i'm going to gonzaga to pursue an english writing major, and perhaps, if i can manipulate my transfer credits well enough, a minor in sociology--both fields of study that are very much grounded to our current perception of reality. they seem, on the surface, to be completely separate from this mysterious and twisted world of science and mathematics and physics, but i wonder if perhaps they
rely on all of the above in order to unfold the way they do. if you don't follow me, don't worry, i'm barely following myself.
what i'm really trying to say is that i feel this unsettling, profound sadness about leaving science/math behind in my pursuit of literature and social science. what if we can better relate the human condition through mathematical equations than we ever will through literature and art? what if we can better understand our human impulses and our social interactions by dissecting how space and time works together to influence our realities? you see? this is why i had such a hard time deciding on a major, on a transfer college, on a
future--because i can see so many possibilities of where my life can go, in what i can choose to excel, but i'm limited to one or two narrow fields of study.
i believe (perhaps mistakenly, by feeding off a misplaced confidence in my abilities) that if i chose to study math or physics, i would do really well. in high school i found studying calculus more rewarding (and less difficult) than studying literature, and i could form 3-d models in my imagination with ease. with training, perhaps i could tease my brain to imagine 6-dimensional or 11-dimensional models, too.
but in the years that have passed since high school, i've studied writing and language and sociology more than math or science, and it seems like my skills in the latter have disintegrated (although admittedly, my skills in the first three have significantly improved). i think i've come to that proverbial fork in the road: as i enter my junior year of college, i have this last sliver of opportunity to go with one major or another, with a high chance of succeeding in whichever one i choose. i don't think i have the mental capacity (let alone the financial ability) to explore one path and then return to explore the other.
and i'm squirming, because what if i choose wrong?
