i wish i could just be okay with what my body looks like, but--especially now, with the pre-finals weight gain starting to show--i can't help but loathe what i see. sigh.
the worst part is, i know that my thinking is just a product of a fucked-up society--i'm fine, i'm normal (whatever that means)--and somehow that doesn't help at all. when i weigh less than what it says on my driver's license, i should feel happy or something, right? but of course i don't, because then i only think about what it would be like to be, i don't know--five? ten? pounds lighter. but when i weigh at least five pounds more than that stupid laminated number (like now), then i covet the julie of two months ago that now appears so lithe, so beautifully thin in my memory.
come mid-january, when i start to look the same as i did mid-october, i'll forget the thoughts i'm having now, the ones that wish i would have been more happy and showed more skin with that sub-123lb body. instead, i'll keep scheming about how to make it even skinnier, more toned, and closer to the photoshopped dimensions of the girls in magazines. wtf?
i'm intelligent, and i fall for this shit like a dumbass. i don't get it.
No comments:
Post a Comment